Painful Conversation

"Wassup, my man?", he said.

"Yo", I said.

"You looking in shape bro. Workin out?"

"Uhh..yeah, I've been hitting the gym"

"Do your hands hurt?"

"Huh? Why?"

"Coz you been hittin the gym. Hyuk hyuk hyuk"

GROAN.

Original Groaner of the Day

ORIGINAL JOKE:

Q. What do you call a well dressed, fashion savvy Saudi prince?

A. A Petrosexual

MOLAB

Well, Mr. Zax glared at me for a while and then asked: Why do you want to join Syndicate Investment Partners?

Well, said I, I really got tired of working in consulting. The fees are not consummerate with the intellectual effort involved.

At that time, I felt that answer really connected with Mr. Zax. His upper lip twitched. His eyes grew wider and he slumped in his chair. He casually swept off a paperweight from his desk.

I thought that he's really settling in for a good juicy story of why my animalistic business instincts would be best suite for this firm.

Since I'm the smartest guy I know..(dramatic pause)...and the most driven, where else to go but The Syndicate? I don't want to work for fees. I want in! I want to MOLAB!

His head slumped. I knew he was deep in thought, wondering what MOLAB was? Hah!

MOLAB, I continued, I want to MOLAB - I want to Make Out Like A Bandit. Get it? Get a piece of the billion dollar deals that The Syndicate works on. You can see I'm creative AND analytical. A very rare breed.

He didn't say anything. I waited for five minutes. Time to show some initiative. I got up. "Well, "I said, "Think about it. I'm yours to lose." And walked out.

How the hell was I to know he was having a heart attack?

The Phone Call

The phone rang. He wanted to ignore it. But he just couldn't ignore the incessant vibrating and ringing. He muted the TV and answered it. It was her. And she was lost on her way back home. "Give me directions back home", she said.
"Why", he asked. "You don't live here."
"I don't?", she asked. She sounded very surprised.
"Of course, not," he said. "We still haven't decided to live in together and I feel like you are rushing things. "
She was now really furious. "What the hell is the matter with you? You dare tell me, your wife, that I can't come home?"
That gave him pause. Wife? "But we are not even married!"
Her retort was prompt, "You bastard!"
But a thought occured to him, "Are you Laura?" There was a pause. "No," she said. "I'm Victoria."
Pause again. He said, "I think you have the wrong number."
"You are right. Sorry, "she said. And hung up.
He sighed and unmuted the TV.

Did They Fold The Toilet Paper?

The last time I stayed at a hotel, it was a Marriott. And most of the time before that as well it was a Marriott. But not just for the Rewards program. It was also because Marriott staff do an excellent job of folding the end of the toilet paper ever so delicately. So when you check into a room at the Marriott, the ever so delicately folded end of the toilet paper is a subtle indicator of the love and care that has gone into making the room worthy of you. Initially I had a strong reluctance to make use of the toilet paper since it would then spoil the fold. So I hung out at the bar and the adjoining restroom for a couple of weeks, until I couldn't stand to drink anymore or hit my expense limit. But all that drinking also affected my work (in a bad way). So then I started to systematically analyze the way the fold was done so that I could replicate it after everytime I used the toilet paper. It was hard work but I perfected it only 3 weeks. And so I learnt a praiseworthy skill and now my home has a little bit of Marriott in it's bathrooms. If you also per chance come across a public toilet stall that has that trademark fold on it's single-ply toilet paper, I had probably used it recently. My apologies if I had forgotten to flush though. Getting caught up in the folding will make you do that.

Original Joke of the Day

Q: Why did the African-American math professor not want to work with imaginary numbers?
A: Because he wanted to "keep it real"!

Fair Ghandi

I don't know why folks at Sepia Mutiny don't find this funny. I do. It's hilarious!

Original Joke of the Day

Why does Shah Rukh Khan nail his scenes?
Because he is a Hammer.
(Bonus punch line: what with all that stammer)


This is Shahrukh Khan:

No wait...sorry...THIS is Shahrukh Khan:

Saturn's Rings Explained

How does one make decisions? Does one really have a choice? This is fascinating. I’m trying to be as aware of my own thought processes as possible and even here it seems like a mystery. For example, today I was sitting in the nice Detroit Metropolitan Airport contemplating whether to get a split-pea soup, a grilled turkey sandwich or a meatless soy protein burger. I was pretty much sure that I was going to go with the grilled turkey sandwich. Yet, when the waitress came to get the order, I said “meatless soy protein burger”. Why? Who made the final choice? Did it come from some hidden, unconscious decision making process within my brain? Was it relayed to me by my Controller operating out of…who knows….Saturn? Are the giant rings around Saturn a huge antenna to beam signals to control human beings? HOLY COW! I think I found out what the Saturn rings are for. Cool. This is just like Einstein sitting in his patent office and figuring out the mysteries of the Universe. Awesome.

Getting Distribution for your Movie - Part 2

Following up on the article I posted a while ago, here's another fabulous page that talks about how indie video content producers (shorts, features etc) can now use the internet to get movie distribution.

http://www.scottkirsner.com/webvid/gettingpaid.htm

This is just amazing stuff. I really need to try getting a couple of my shorts out there, perhaps even Orange and see how it goes. After all the two biggest hurdles to getting a movie actually made that most people on my team ask are: where are we going to get money to make this movie, and how are we going to make money off of this movie?

So now besides the 75+ home video companies, movie "premieres" in Atlanta and elsewhere in artsy theatres and standing on the street corner selling DVDs...this is yet another option.

Long Live the Long-Tail :)
Of course, now that's just so much more competition to stand out from as well :(

Suggestions to Avis

1. If I am already logged into my account at avis.com, don't ask me for my contact information when I go to your feedback/help page. How hard is it to do that?
2. Why doesn't Avis rent out hybrid cars? - Or any rental car company for that matter.
3. Why can't I add my Delta Skymiles number to my online avis profile?

Getting Distribution for your Movie - Part 1

This is from an article by Jerome Courshon in the print version of Southern Screen Report. . He discusses some of myths about movie distribution and puts his take on them. I am paraphrasing:
1. Myth #1: I'm a creative person. Don't need to worry about biz side or selling.
Resp: Bullshit. As Orson Welles famously said, "It's about 2% movie making and 98% hustling."

2. Myth #2: Distributors are calling me and want to see my film. I'm giong to become famous and rich!
Resp: Bullshit. If you send them a DVD of the movie you will not get a theatrical distribution deal. You must "unveil" your movie in the right place at the right time such as a top film festival.

3. Myth #3: My movie has been selected for Sundance/Cannes/Toronto. All I have to do is showup and get a deal!
Resp: Bullshit. You need to assemble a team of people for PR, agent, attorney etc strategize and position your movie - before it premieres - as a very desirable movie that distributors must have.

4. Myth #4: I've submitted my movie to 15 home video companies. If they all say "NO", then I'm screwed.
Resp: Bullshit. There are literally over 75 home video companies in the marketplace, all operating under their own label. On top of that are additional companies that pick up movies and programming that have output deals with these distributors. So if you've submitted to only 15 companies, you've got a long way to go.

Of particular interest to me are #1 and #4. Perhaps one day my MBA plus my creative skills will indeed come together into a project or even career that will actually brings me money. I think I understand the importance of not falling prey to Myth #1 pretty well. But Myth #4 is even more important. Every time I try to convince a group of friends that we could actually do a movie - they are skeptical. A play is, to them, a more likely way to recoup financial and emotional investments but a movie is daunting. How you even start? While I was not fully aware of the paths avaialable to distribution, I knew in my gut that there had to be more options. Finally, this article points me to a significant new avenue.

Now all I have to do is find a script, pull together a team, find the investors and shoot a movie.
Easy. Just watch.

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Posted by George Moneo at February 8, 2006 01:30 AM

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A funny response to this post, taken from the comments section:

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

Watch the Full Orange

http://www.kaneva.com/channel/channelPage.aspx?communityId=14268&pageId=24076

We got viewer votes like crazy but unfortunately, it was all misplaced enthusiasm and effort as the judges completely disregarded it. We were in the top 5 I think though.

Rafi's English Gem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOsZO6Qn69M

What d'you know? The man actually did this at some point. Why?????

Unproduced movie scripts

http://www.simplyscripts.com/unpro_short.html

This is one place on the net that I found for movie scripts. I really want to make a movie that I believe in this year. Perhaps I can use one of these scripts provided
1) I like it
2) It can be shot here in Atlanta on minimal budget
3) The writer accepts it for no pay, writing credits only

Let's see what happens.
So far I really liked the whacky Portal Potty idea. Reminded me a little of my own short story about Satan and Judgement Day and a God struggling with visa issues.

Link to free movie scripts

http://www.screenwriting-on-the-net.com/free-movie-scripts.html

I keep telling myself that I have writer's block. Whenever I sit down to write that is. And that is pretty much rarely. So hopefully, these links will give me some ideas or at least opportunities for collaboration.

On another note, the same author of this blog says that you must try to relax and meditate on issues in your life or topics that interest you and then after a few days begin to say the following before going to sleep:
"Please lead me now to a uniquely different idea for a screenplay.
One never seen before on this planet.
One that will benefit audiences all over the world."

It's as good an approach as any!

Links for personal investment research

http://www.thedividendguyblog.com/2006/11/25/where-to-get-financial-data/

Great list of online resources for doing research for investing.