The Truly Divine Apocalypse Now

When the apocalypse came, it took everybody by surprise. As the twenty first century leaped forward and man became increasingly arrogant of his own capabilities, there was hardly time to ponder the question of God and His existence. Man, drunk on his own accomplishments, didn’t have time for that – Man would become God! He built, he explored, and he attacked with an abandon born of absolute confidence. Such was the sacrilege Mankind committed. So when the Apocalypse came it took everyone by surprise.

In a grand display of evil might and unfathomable cruelty, the Army of Satan ascended from the depths of the earth. Trumpets blared and clouds gathered ominously. Striking fear in the very hearts of man, they began to spread forth and plunder and loot and destroy and kill all that man had so painstakingly created. They ransacked the cities and looted the villages and vice versa. The Cloaked Ones of Darkness on black horses spread across the continents to spread the Message of Destruction. So! Doomsday was here! Mankind besieged by the Armies of Evil!!!

And all was well with the Master Plan of Divine Intervention.

Mankind would try. And how hard! Mankind would fight valiantly but it would all be in vain. And that is how the Divine Spirituality would return to the world. People would pray. They would beseech and beg for deliverance from this utter Evil. They would be repentant for their earlier unbridled arrogance. The very earth would weep for man. Then in a show of magnificent splendor, God himself would arrive.

Men beseeched and begged for deliverance from this utter Evil. It was a sad, sad period. A tragic end to a glorious era of human confidence. Doomsday was here and the children of God were repentant. The very earth weep for man when God’s own final emissary would arrive to restore the Order of God and defeat Evil.

At least that was the Divine Order of events. As mankind despaired, God would send his final emissary and Good would triumph. Instead, God was worried. He knew that the situation was deteriorating, and time running out. But still he hoped – maybe his visa would get approved and he could continue to work here. Once that was taken care of then maybe he could go and do something about this deteriorating Good versus Evil situation. Maybe chat with Satan. Convince him to stop. God winced, or rather God in his present avatar of Bunty Kumar, winced. But really it was hard to concentrate on two things at the same time. No wonder he hadn’t been promoted in three years. No, no! He winced again because of late he tended to get so caught up in the trivialities of his avatar existence. He sighed. Still getting the visa would make it easier to focus on Evil. And he would get it only using his humanly powers.

You see, Bunty (i.e., God) was working as a software engineer at a local startup that really didn’t have a chance in Hell of succeeding – and he strongly suspected that one of Satan’s minions knew this and had infiltrated the management camp. But if Satan’s activities were actually decreasing his chances of getting his visa approval then was He not actually justified in breaking the…? Yah, Satan and He had signed this contract really, really long ago about who came when onto the world stage. So there was something fishy about this, in maybe the timing…Aha! The buzzer sounded. It was his turn to approach the visa officer.

“Denied? Denied! DENIED!!!! How dare the little worm of a visa officer! Just let him come in on Judgment Day…..no, I am God. I am Most Beneficient, Most Merciful”
Bunty (aka God) walked home, smiling benevolently.

But his Divine mind would not reset. That night, after saying his prayers – to Himself – he tried to sleep. But could not. He tossed and turned and tried to read one of the holy books that he always found hilarious. But not tonight. Maybe something else was disturbing Him. Then he remembered…the contract with the Devil. He pulled out it out and peered intently at it. But unfortunately it was the lease on his apartment. With exasperation, he threw it away and switched on the TV. And was immediately bombarded with a slew of Sprititual Gatherings and Prayers on all the channels. All of them were looking for God too! The rewards were high - $1000 payable over 2 months for a citizen/permanent resident or a green card for a legal alien. God stroked his beard, which he grew on the spot for this purpose, and thought, “Hmm…”. He thought so hard, galaxies and quasars and pulsars unimaginable distances away grew dim. Then he began in earnest to search for the God-damned contract.

Suddenly, the phone rang! He let it go to the answering machine.
**Heavy breathing**“Thought you would not respond to my calls? As per the contract, if you do not confront me within 1 week of the attack, all bets are off. I win!”

God willed the speaker phone on. ”Why are you breathing so heavily?”

“Oh that”, Satan said, a little nervously God thought. “I just finished working out. “

God asked, “Where are you staying?”

Satan said, “At the Hotel Details in mid-town Manhattan.”

God said, “So, the Devil is in the Details, eh?”

Satan said, “Enough of your silly puns. This is a lot of work. And I still have to maintain Hell…”

“Cut the crap, Satan. I’ve got troubles of my own. I got denied my H1B visa today”

Satan breathed despondently, ”Geez, sorry to hear that! I actually tried to apply last….”

But God hung up. Why couldn’t he just play mean?!!

So he continued searching his apartment for God (Self)-damned contract but it just wouldn’t show up. This made God really mad. Really, really mad. And when God (aka Bunty) got Really, Really MAD, his Divine Creativity stopped functioning. Then his Divine Creation stops functioning. And when that happens, everything stops. Everything.

Everything.

Even this.

And this is how the Truly Divine Apocalypse came to be.