Da Bad Coffee Man

Call me what you want, but the truth is that I am the bad coffee man. I is Da Bad Coffee Man.
I’m not quite sure why I do it. The coffee that is provided in my office never fails to make me grimace – this to a man who ate with great relish in his college mess. But this coffee…it tastes as though it were brewed in an airplane fuel tank.


But I am an accomplished rational thinker. A tough, mind-over-matter kinda guy. Battling tough problems in my mind and beating the crap out of them is my job. Cogito. Ergo Sum Cafe. That’s Latin for - I think, therefore I drink coffee. Every so often, as I am sitting at my desk, typing random documents, I get the insane urge to drink Da Bad Coffee. As I am going toward the kitchen, my body is dreading the smell. I see the coffee pot sitting there, stale coffee of two hours ago, silently awaiting the unsuspecting and the sadists. I am aware of this but still I go. I stand in front of the coffee machine, pretending to weigh my options.

Then with the dignity of voluntary action, I lift the pot and inhale the aroma deeply. It’s disgusting. I pour it into my delicate Euro-trash coffee cup. Perhaps elegant coffee cup design can make up for Bad Coffee taste? I watch the brew swirl, jostle with itself for space and settle down. What are those little black dots and lines I see? I gasp. And furiously smother the gasp with cold logic, “Ahh, particles. Oui. Brownian motion. In Blackian liquid. The irony.” Now the liquid has settled. Like desperate people switching on lights to drive away the ghouls and ghosts as they enter their apartment late in the night after a hard day’s work in the office, other desperate people pour half-and-half cream into this unrelenting liquid, they bombard it with white sugar and powdered cream. It works. It actually does mitigate the damage to a certain extent. You might actually forget the pain of the pure Bad Coffee for a moment.

But I don’t do it. I drink it straight up. Lock, stock and one smoking cup. My senses scream in disgust. Ugh! Yikes! Sheesh! Aaargh! But unrelentingly I sip the coffee, seemingly at peace with myself to the rest of the world. ‘Coz I is Da Bad Coffee Man. Uh-huh.